wrote this yesterday, early morning :
After browsing some wikipedia pages,
I contemplate in realizing I lived a form of ascetic life for a number of years.
A form of ascetic life who may have lead me to remember more easily a certain awareness of presence ?
I also realized for myself that such forms of self denial importantly stay a choice,
and for me can have a purpose.
Once I remember its awareness, I need not, and can choose experience intentionally, while keeping its presence in every moment of various experiences. Experienced together.
When using such forms of ascetism, it is important I can listen to the pain it may lead me to,
in parallel to the deliverance it may lead me to,
as to not let this pain transform in more complex forms of ego.
Such ascetic life became great suffering when it was not chosen.
Often in my experience it was not chosen.
I have chosen that ascetism is but only a tool, not a goal,
as in my experience the remembering of presence does not necessarily require ascetism once it is acquired/remembered,
even if ascetism may facilitate its remembering.
I wish to remember this distinction of choice.
Despite ascetism facilitating a process of remembering some parts of oneness,
of being, in deliverance,
I realized it needed not ignore my many selves, who needed time to recover and be listened to.
I wish to live life in love.
Recognizing my many selves and listening to them, not imposing my ascetic tool of experience,
enables me to listen better to others, and feel love in its warm and filling form, its earth form.
I wish to combine the love through choice in presence of vision,
with the love through choice of presence in listening.
I wish to combine the choice of deliverance and broad vision,
with the choice of listening and warmth of welcoming.
I may remember, but also forget at times.
I need not discipline myself,
as I choose to sense the universe guides intrinsically.
I wish the choice of listening. Deeply. In presence.
It provides me with great infinite joy, strenght, sadness and surrendering, peace, to remember.
Its polarities experienced in one, at one.
The possibility of “using” Rage of Love shining out and through both in strenght of joy and sadness,
choosing it yet not requiring, letting it flow, using its various shapes in communication, Receiving and resonating healing love in warmth and peace, listening.
Its forms are subtle. Its shapes as learning.
Accepting not to be Saint in appearance ?
Serving in allowing ego’s projections in the learning process,
while keeping presence.
I listen to what I feel when expressing these words.
I feel great sadness and sorrow for the pain of non-choice to others,
and my pain of non-choice of others perceiving their non-choice towards me.
I am sad at the discipline of imposed non-choice.
Yet I accept it is in our shared learning process.
Built upon each other with various mirrors and directions of consciousness, and its emotions.
I choose to transcend its discipline and replace it with choice, at a systems and interpersonal level,
through a shared creative learning process, manifesting shared awareness into systems supporting its presence.
Ok… I go and sleep a bit now 🙂
I like dreaming.